When I left home at 18 to go to college, I knew that things weren't right.
How could a kid from a "good" LDS home feel so unloved and worthless? I
started on a journey for love and for answers. By the end of the second
year, I had found a boyfriend and a roommate who seemed to care -- maybe
even love me a little. Imagine my surprise when I found myself in a sexual
relationship with both the roommate and the boyfriend. I knew what was right
and what was wrong, didn't I? So what was going on?
I went to the bishop who had me read The Miracle of Forgiveness, and
a counselor who was shocked. Both of them said, "Don't do it again." Instead
of things getting better, they got worse. I found myself involved with
another roommate and again went to the bishop -- a different one this time.
I told him that I knew this was wrong but didn't understand why I was
feeling the things I was feeling. I didn't know where it had come from. He
said, "get married and don't do it again or you will be excommunicated." The
counselor continued "counseling" me. It would be many years later before I
realized that she was using me for her own emotional dependency purposes.
In the meantime, the threat of excommunication worked as far as the acting
out. I've always had a testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel, and the
Church had been the only constant in my life -- the only thing I'd ever been
able to count on. I wasn't going to jeopardize my membership in it. I didn't
get married though. I realized that I didn't trust men to not hurt and
control me, so I didn't let any of them get close enough to do so.
For years I worked hard developing a career and learning to be productive so
I could take care of myself and my family when they needed it. I also worked
hard in the Church. I served and studied and worthily attended the Temple.
But periodically I'd find myself dealing with feelings I didn't understand
and that would bring me to the brink of unworthiness time and time again.
When I was 35, I had an emergency hysterectomy that became a life-changing
event. Up to that time I figured I would still be getting married and having
children. Suddenly the dream of having my own children was over. Dealing
with this was too much. I went into severe depression. Finally I asked my
bishop to help me get into counseling. He did and finally I had a bishop who
admitted he didn't have the answers but wanted to learn and help me, so much
that he even attended the counseling sessions with me.
A history of a very dysfunctional family and child abuse emerged. I had
known that my father was controlling, dictatorial and physically abusive. In
counseling I learned how that had made it impossible for me to trust men.
Working with the male counselor and my bishop started a healing process, as
I learned there were good men out there and began to trust a little.
I began to realize how the non-existent relationship with my mother had
influenced me. She didn't want to be my mother or anyone else's. I had
raised myself and my seven brothers and sisters. I was so hungry for a
mother's love. I began to understand how I had searched all my life for a
substitute, and how that left me so vulnerable in a relationship with
another woman.
The learning and the healing had begun but I was still battling the
depression and had also become physically ill. I was learning; I was working
hard in counseling; and I was trying to find out why I was so sick. I'd been
promised in priesthood blessings that I would get well. I couldn't figure
out why things still weren't coming together for me.
Then in 1993 my counselor gave me information about Evergreen and I attended
my first conference. I learned so much. There were also answers to my
clinical questions, and I also learned that the real healing comes through
the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The only problem was that I still didn't feel
worthy of anyone's love, especially the Savior's.
Later that summer there was another turning point. I was getting sicker and
weaker and more emotionally unstable. I had already been through the suicide
stuff and had made the decision to live a couple of years before. This
condition produced so much hopelessness in me. No one could figure out what
was wrong. I was getting worse and worse and I couldn't even take my own
life and get out of it because I had decided to live.
In this frame of mind a very good man, and someone I respected, asked me if
I believed the blessings I had been given, did I believe in the power of the
priesthood? Did I believe the Savior would heal me as I had been promised? I
replied that I believed in blessings, in the power of the Priesthood, but I
wondered if these blessings and promises were for other people, not for me.
Maybe I just wasn't worth it. My friend really let me have it! He said that
what I had just said was offensive to God. He had made me, I was loved by
Him, and I was worth it. It gave me something to think about, and I must
have repented and began to believe, because shortly after things started
happening. The illness was diagnosed and the long recovery began.
Other information came forth concerning the severity of the abuse I had
suffered and how it had caused the physical and emotional problems I was
having. Earlier that year I had received a blessing in which I was promised
I would receive the answers I was seeking. The blessing said that when I was
ready, the things I sought would happen, suddenly. It would be a miracle. By
the end of 1993 the miracle had begun. Answers were coming and I was working
with people who kept teaching me over and over through the therapy methods
being used, that I couldn't do this without the Savior.
Each year I attended the Evergreen conference, still scared and also angry
at what had happened to me. I sat in the corner and tried to be invisible.
Sometimes I would connect with someone, and I was frustrated by a seeming
lack of answers and structure for the women.
But Heavenly Father doesn't always sit back and wait for us. The Savior
loves us. He gives His all and expects no less from us. I connected with a
woman who was able to help me look at things in a different way: it was okay
to be different -- look how different the Prophet Joseph was. My mom didn't
give me the love I needed or deserved and I wasn't responsible for her
treatment of me. I wasn't imagining the abuse I had suffered. It was real
and it had really separated me from the Savior.
This woman became my friend and she showed me how the Savior loved me by her
own actions and love towards me. In a normal home, a child learns that Jesus
loves her because of the unconditional love of her parents. I felt
unconditional love for the first time in my life. We talked about who I was
in the pre-existence and how I was loved by Heavenly Father and by the
Savior, and also how I was valiant and chosen to fulfill a difficult
mission. I began to trust the Savior and really feel His love for me. I
began to look to Him for the love and support I'd missed as a child. I began
to look to Him for healing. I began to give my pain to Him and I learned how
to appropriately meet those unfulfilled love needs from my childhood through
the love of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I also found out that I wasn't successful at being invisible. A little over
a year ago, I was asked to be on the Evergreen Board of Trustees. I was
scared out of my mind, but I was trusting the Savior just enough to accept
the position. Another turning point: the men I work with on the board are
wonderful. They treat me with respect and they don't try to dictate to me
and control me. I'm healing some more and feel comfortable with a group of
men for the first time in my life.
I've learned how to have a friend and not make her a god or my entire world.
The Savior comes first in my life. It is to Him I look for the love that
fills me and never leaves me empty. It is the Savior who "will never leave
[us] nor forsake [us]" (Hebrews 13:5).
I testify that the principles taught by Evergreen and by the Gospel of Jesus
Christ really do work. The way is rugged and often long, but through my
suffering I have come to know my Savior and there is no earthly satisfaction
that comes close to the joy and the peace I feel.
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