Suzi's Testimony

I am the one who on the outside looked like she had it all - a great husband, four beautiful kids, and a nice home. I never really saw it coming, certainly not this. There was something missing in my life that I found in close female relationships outside my marriage. Before I knew it, or saw the red flags, I was involved in a lesbian affair. I never knew that I had this potential and I found this to be more fulfilling than anything I had experienced, even though I knew it was wrong! This was a very confusing time in my life. I didn't ask for, or choose, these feelings. Why did a weakness come into my life that threatened to destroy everything I had? I was active in the church, taught primary, and had what I thought to be a firm testimony. These relationships shook the very foundation of everything I believed in, stood for, and had tried to live. As much as I tried to convince myself that my behavior was justified because of all the hardships in my early life, and the unmet emotional needs in my marriage, there was no peace. As much as I wanted to leave, the spirit wouldn't let me go. I came to the crossroads of leaving my marriage several times before I found help.

I knelt before my Heavenly Father an d bore my hearts desire to live righteously. He showed me the way out and provided me the opportunities to do so. Like many others who have traveled the path of SSA, whether LDS or not, I had to CMAAE (Change My Attitude About Everything). Today I share my testimony of the miracle that occurred in my life when I invited the Savior in. I put faith in the words of 1Nephi 3:7 -- "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." Relying on that promise, I went to work.

I first started on the road to repentance by confessing to my husband and bishop. I have to mention that my husband's support had been phenomenal. He said I would have to try harder to get rid of him. I have also had the help of many caring friends and counselors, whose very availability I know was the result of divine intervention. I attended my first Evergreen conference in 1998. That experience was very powerful, and I was in awe of the love and support of the counselors, bishops and general authorities. I struggled mightily in the ensuing months, trying to be patient with a bishop who didn't seem to understand, but who was the gatekeeper to my blessings of the gospel through the church. After doing everything that had been asked of me and seemingly getting nowhere in my progress, I finally put the matter into the Lord's hands, and two months later I was rebaptized into the church.

In this healing process I have been blessed with friends and spiritual experiences I can't write of, but bear testimony that our Heavenly Father is very real and is aware of our needs. I have become dependent on my Savior's atoning sacrifice. Giving up a lifestyle I thought would make me happy was the greatest trade I have ever made for the joy I feel today. Struggling with SSA is not a problem to bring me down, but has been the refining fire that has molded me into the person I am today. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I anxiously await the day when I have my blessings restored and can return to the temple. That is the greatest miracle!